Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts

Thursday, July 19, 2012

I m Broke!!


A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time , I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners..."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open... "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well, let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Truth - Short Story :)


A lady told her Husband to go to the store to buy cigarettes.

He walks down to the store to find it closed.So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman n starts talking to her.
They hv few beers n one thing leads to another n they end up in her apartment.
Later, he wakes up n realizes its 3AM n says,
"Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to get really angr...y. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some powder.
He rubs it on his hands n leaves.
At the door, angry wife "Where the hell hv u been?"
"Well, honey, I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed.
So I went to the bar to use the vending machine.
I saw this great lukin girl there n we hd a few drinks n one thing led to another n I ended up in bed with her."

"Oh yeah? Lemme c ur hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder . "You God damn liar! You were playing pool again!"

Moral of the story: Always tell ur wife the truth. She won't believe u anyway!!!

Monday, April 23, 2012

Why Planning is required? - Short Story :)



One Night 4 college students were playing till late night and could not study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.

In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said
...

that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.

So the Dean said they can have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they will be ready by that time.

On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, All four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test.

They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.

The Test consisted of 2 questions with the total of 100 Marks.

Q.1. Your Name......................... ( 2 MARKS )

Q.2. Which tyre burst?............... (98 MARKS)

a) Front Left

b) Front Right

c) Back Left

d) Back Right .....!!!

And u know what there answers would have been... :)

Monday, March 26, 2012

Husbands for Sale

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance
is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper
ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch .... You may choose any
man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you
cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely
good looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the
fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead
good looking and help with the housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to
the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead
gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to
please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as
you exit the building, and have a nice day!

Monday, November 28, 2011

Do u DARE TO READ this?


1975 Jan 1

 
It is about five in the morning. Father (I am not bothering with names)woke up with a start. Many years had passed since he had founded the orphanage.
 
He had named it "X-Orphanage", a rather funny name. But looking back ,everything about his life seemed funny now. Hearing some noise outside, Father decided to have a look.
 
A child lay there in front of the orphanage. It was a girl. Seeing her abandoned like this in the cold morning ,Father felt a sense of anger for the the merciless being who had thrown her away like this. He took her in his arms. He would raise her like his own child.
17 Years Later...
 
The girl has grown up now. She is now staying in a hostel. She meets a man and falls in love with him. She gets pregnant. The man disappears.
She is thrown out of the Hostel.
 
Father comes and takes her back to the orphanage. She gives birth to a girl but the baby is mysteriously stolen. Unable to bear all this, the Father commits suicide.
 
Due to some problems concerning the delivery, the girl went to see a Doctor. The doctor having examined her ,said with a sad ex-pression on his face, "Adrenalo Sytosis, a serious case of hormone imbalance". An operation was performed in which the doctor had to change the sex of the patient.
 
The girl was now transformed to a man.
 
The man was very depressed because he had lost his child, the father had committed suicide, his lover had betrayed him , he had to change sex and so on. He eventually took to drinking.
 
One day he saw that a new bar had opened in his locality. The name of the bar was 'Sangeetha Bar'. He went inside. There he saw a bearded man.
The bearded man told him that he had a Time Machine and that he could take it. He accepted the gift from the bearded man. He decided to go to the past (to the year 1992)and started the Time Machine.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1992
 
The man arrives with the Time Machine in the year 1992.There he meets a girl (the same girl who has now become the man) and falls in love with her.
 
The girl gets pregnant. The man, unwilling to marry her ,leaves the town. He goes to another city, earns some money and come backs to the city where the girl lives. He wants to conceal his identity ,so he has grown a beard.
 
He starts a bar named 'Sangeetha Bar'. When he was sitting in the bar, a man comes (the same man who was earlier the girl). He gives the Time machine to the man. The man starts the Time Machine and goes to the past.
 
Suddenly a man wearing a mask comes to the bar. He points a gun at the bearded man ..He says that he has a Time Machine and he will take the bearded man to the past. Taking the bearded man with him, the masked man starts the Time Machine.
 
When they reach the past, the masked man gives the Time Machine to the bearded man and runs away. The bearded man finds himself in front of X-Orphanage. He goes inside and finds a woman (the same woman who later becomes the man) lying there with her new born baby. It is a girl. He takes the girl and starts the Time Machine to go to the past (to the year 1975).
1975 Jan 1
 
The bearded man arrives with the girl. He leaves her in front of X-Orphanage. He joins a college, studies hard and becomes a doctor. One day a woman was brought to the hospital. He examines her and finds that it is a serious case of 'Adrenalo Sytosis'. He performs an operation in which he changes her sex. He then starts the Time Machine and goes to the past.
 
He arrives at a time of great famine and suffering Seeing all this, he decides to become a priest and to serve the people. He starts an orphanage and names it 'X-Orphanage'.
 
One day(1975 Jan 1), he finds a girl lying in front of the orphanage. He takes her and brings her up like his own child.
 
One day he hears that the girl is pregnant and is thrown out of the hostel. He brings her back to X-Orphanage. She gives birth to a girl.
The Father wants to go to the future. He wears a mask, takes a gun and starts the Time Machine. He reaches in front of 'Sangeetha Bar'. He goes inside and forces the bearded man to travel along with him to the past.
Reaching the past, he feels guilty about forcing the bearded man to come with him. He gives the Time Machine to the bearded man and runs away.
When he returns, he hears the sad news that the baby is stolen. Unable to bear the sorrow ,he commits suicide.

Wednesday, November 09, 2011

Art of Appraisal

Big Boss: This year your performance was good, excellent and outstanding. So, your rating is "average".
Ramesh: What? How come 'average'?
Big Boss: Because...err...uhh...you lack domain knowledge.
Ramesh: But last year you said I am a domain expert and you put me in this project as a domain consultant.
Big Boss: Oh is it? Well, in that case, I think your domain knowledge has eroded this year.
Ramesh: What???
Big Boss: Yes, I didn't see you sharing knowledge on Purchasing domain.
Ramesh: Why would I? Because I am not in Purchasing, I am in Manufacturing.
Big Boss: This is what I don't like about you. You give excuse for everything.
Ramesh: Huh? *Confused*
Big Boss: Next, you need to improve your communication skills.
Ramesh: Like what? I am the one who trained the team on "Business Communication", you sat in the audience and took notes, you remember?
Big Boss: Oh is it? Errr...well..I mean, you need to improve your Social Pragmatic Affirmative Communication.
Ramesh: Huh? What the hell is that? *Confused*
Big Boss: See! That's why you need to learn about it.
Ramesh: *head spinning*
Big Boss: Next, you need to sharpen your recruiting skills. All the guys you recruited left within 2 months.
Ramesh: Well, not my mistake. You told them you will sit beside them and review their code, and most resigned the next day itself. Couple of them even attempted suicide.
Big Boss:*stunned* (recovers from shock) Err...anyway, I tried to give you a better rating, but our Normalization process gave you only 'average'.
Ramesh: Last year that process gave me 'excellent'. This year just 'average'? Why is this process pushing me up and down every year?
Big Boss: That's a complicated process. You don't want to hear.
Ramesh: I'll try to understand. Go ahead.
Big Boss: Well, we gather in a large room, write down the names of sub-ordinates in bits of paper, and throw them up in the air. Whichever lands on the floor gets 'average', whichever lands on table gets 'good', whichever we manage to catch gets 'excellent' and whichever gets stuck to ceiling gets 'outstanding'.
Ramesh: (eyes popping out) What? Ridiculous! So who gets 'poor' rating?
Big Boss: Those are the ones we forget to write down.
Ramesh: What the hell! And how can paper bits stick to ceiling for 'outstanding'?
Big Boss: Oh no, now you have started questioning our 20 year old organizational process!
Ramesh: *faints*

Tuesday, August 09, 2011

Desi Mom :)

A   Mom comes to visit her son Kunal for dinner.....who lives with a girl roommate Sunita.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Kunal's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kunal and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Kunal volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Sunita came to Kunal saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver chutney jar. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Kunal said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mother,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the chutney jar from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the chutney jar. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Kunal


Several days later, Kunal received an email from his Mother which read

Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that you
'do not' sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the chutney jar by now under the pillow...
Love,
Mom.



Friday, July 22, 2011

Software Testing


Software Testing - A good read….not intended against any group as such, but still entertaining ... read on ...

A university scholar, Mr. John Smith approaches his friend a software-testing guru telling him that he has a Bachelor in programming, and now would like to learn the software testing to complete his knowledge and to find a job as a software tester. After summing him up for a few minutes, the software-testing guru told him "I seriously doubt that you are ready to study software testing. It's the serious topic. If you wish however I am willing to examine you in logic, and if you pass the test I will help teach you software testing. "
 
The young man agrees.
Software testing guru holds up two fingers "Two men come down a chimney. One comes with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?
 
The young man stares at the software-testing guru. "Is that a test in Logic?" software testing guru nods.
"The one with the dirty face washes his face," He answers wearily.
 
"Wrong. The one with the clean face washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. So; the one with the clean face washes his face."
 
"Very clever" Says Smith.  "Give me another test"
 
The software-testing guru again holds up two fingers "Two men come down a chimney.One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?
 
"We have already established that. The one with the clean face washes his face"
 
"Wrong. Each one washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. So; the one with the clean face washes his face. When the one with the dirty face sees the one with the clean face washing his face, he also washes his face. So each one washes his face"
 
"I didn't think of that!" Says Smith. " It's shocking to me that I could make an error in logic. Test me again!."
 
The software-testing guru holds up two fingers "Two men come down a chimney.One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?
 
"Each one washes his face"
 
"Wrong. Neither one washes his face. Examine the simple logic. The one with the dirty face looks at the one with the clean face and thinks his face is clean. The one with the clean face looks at the one with the dirty face and thinks his face is dirty. But when the one with clean face sees that the one with the dirty face doesn't wash his face, he also doesn't wash his face So neither one washes his face".
 
Smith is desperate. "I am qualified to study software testing. Please give me one more test"
 
He groans when the software-testing guru lifts his two fingers, "Two men come down a chimney. One comes out with a clean face and the other comes out with a dirty face. Which one washes his face?
 
"Neither one washes his face"
 
"Wrong. Do you now see, John, why programming knowledge is an insufficient basis for studying the software testing? Tell me, how is it possible for two men to come down the same chimney, and for one to come out with a clean face and the other with a dirty face? Don’t you see?
 
Moral : Whatever a programmer do, Testers are supposed to find bugs and they will.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Women :)

If you kiss her,
you are not a gentleman
If you don't,
you are not a man

If you praise her,
she thinks you are lying
If you don't,
you are good for nothing

If you agree to all her likes,
you are a wimp
If you don't,
you are not understanding

If you visit her often,
she thinks you are boring
If you don't,
she accuses you of double-crossing

If you are well dressed,
she says you are a playboy
If you don't,
you are a dull boy

If you are jealous,
she says it's bad
If you don't,
she thinks you do not love her

If you attempt a romance,
she says you didn't respect her
If you don't,
she thinks you do not like her

If you are a minute late,
she complains it's hard to wait
If she is late,
she says that's a girl's way

If you visit another man,
you're not putting in "quality time"
If she is visited by another woman,
"oh it's natural, we are girls"

If you kiss her once in a while,
she professes you are cold
If you kiss her often,
she yells that you are taking advantage

If you fail to help her in crossing the street,
you lack ethics
If you do,
she thinks it's just one of men's tactics for seduction

If you stare at another woman,
she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by other men,
she says that they are just admiring

If you talk,
she wants you to listen
If you listen,
she wants you to talk

In short:

So simple, yet so complex
So weak, yet so powerful
So confusing, yet so desirable
So damning, yet so wonderful... WOMEN!



Saturday, April 02, 2011

How many fish have you caught ?

A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious, the man rowed over and asked, “What is the mirror for?”

“That’s my secret way to catch fish,” said the other man. “Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat.”

“Wow! Does that really work?”

“You bet it does.”

“Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I’ll give you $30 for it.”

“Well, okay.”

After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, “By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?”

“You’re the sixth,” he said.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Never Ever Lie To A Woman

A Man called home to his wife and said, 
'Darling , I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up'
 'Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. ' 
 
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? 
He said, 'Yes! Lots of salmons, some bluegills, and a few swordfishes. 
But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to Do?'


The wife replied, 'I did, dear. They're in your fishing box! ...'

Never Ever Lie To A Woman...!!!